I'm going to talk about the wall which I constructed around myself; a wall that, until about 5 years ago, remained steadfast around me. Shielding me from the closeness of others.
Is There Anybody in There?
The easiest thing in the world is to convince yourself that you don't need anybody or anything. When you have an anger constantly inside of you, the act of becoming devoid of emotion comes as second nature.
The wall which I built around myself wasn't a concious act, but once it was there I welcomed it. It was easier to stick two fingers up to the world, than to confide in those around me. I had very little identity left, and I was going to make damn sure that no one stole the remainder.
Like the punk image, the wall enabled me to hide within a crowd; a crowd which I was convinced was hell bent on destroying me.
During my twenties, I was 100% sure that letting someone; anyone in, would ultimately bring about my final fall. I was convinced that I would be hurt emotionally by anyone.
And there I remained, hiding. the dank cell that had become my home was littered with demons, but they were my demons and no one elses.
"How can I possibly allow my demons to grab hold of others?" were some of my thoughts that constantly gnawed away at me.
My world of paranoia dictated that people would NOT use my demons to heal me, but to harm me further.
Of course, I did lower my defences a few times over the years, and every time the war erupted, and I was left feeling hurt and disjointed.
I didn't realise that it was all a dramatic illusion, and it was in fact me who was doing the hurting, before scuttling off back inside my protective world, convincing myself that the world was to blame and not me.
When my wall finally imploded on itself, and I was left vulnerable, the realisation dawned on me; told me that the world was always trying to help rather than hinder me.... and that is when my road to recovery began.
I built some bridges, and walked away from others.
I began to live in the world, OUR world.
My eye's saw things differently, and I felt the buzz of life take hold, showing me what was there for all of us.
I met Claudia, and for the first time discovered what positive emotion was capable of.
I rapidly learned to trust, and it feels good to be trusted.