It Wasn't My Fault
For many years I was convinced that I'd done something to attract my abusers; blaming myself for their actions. In the cold light of the day, I now know this is far from the truth, but it didn't stop me from thinking it.
I began to wonder if there was something drastically wrong with me; if I projected an open invitation to people. After all, it was two completely unrelated cases that changed my innocent young world, so how could that happen?
Would I be arrested if the police found out; sent to prison for "offering" myself to people? Surly a respectable school teacher would not purposely do what he did unless he was given the green light to do so?
And the questions gnawed at me constantly.
I wondered if I was evil; luring innocent, respectable people to into a world of perversions. It didn't matter how many times my mind tried to tell me that it was them who were wrong.......
....... I thought it was me.
In 2001, I reported "Ropeman" to the child protection unit; creating an historical case of child abuse. I gave a 37 page statement, and the wheels were set in motion.
And I felt guilty for doing it.
As things turned out, no convictions were ever reached. The officer in charge of the case informed me that although he wasn't facing any charges, he had lost his current teaching job, and it was unlikely he'd ever teach again.
I felt as though I had ruined the man's entire life; like I was the guilty one instead of him.
When I embarked on Losing the Hate, it healed me. As i began to relive the whole story, I finally realised that I was nothing but an ordinary child....., and blameless.
I've since learned that self blame is a very common feeling for abuse victims, and is sometimes one of the hardest hurdles to cross during recovery. Thankfully, I no longer suffer from the guilt of others, and its a fantastic feeling.